My Stupid, Pathetic, Love Life
by Patronus Charm
Summary: FS inside. He loved her. She loved him. They chose not to be together. Now she's gone and he wishs they made a diffrent choice. LittleCinder with some FireCinder references. One-shot.


**This is a little one-shot I came up with when I was procrastinating writing my other fics, I am quiet creative when procrastinating. So yea, this is one of my favorite pairings, I hope you like it! **

**Full Summary: He loved her. She loved him back. There was just one problem; they chose not to be together and to honor the paths StarClan had laid out for them. Now, she's gone, and he wishes they made a different choice… LittlexCinder, with slight FirexCinder references. One-shot. **

**Special thanks to Leafdrop.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it!**

**My Stupid, Pathetic Love Life**

I remember the first time I saw her, I mean really saw her. For what she was, a beautiful, intelligent, amazing cat, not just an apprentice from another Clan.

My birth Clan, ShadowClan, was being slowly wiped out by the Carrion place sickness. Our Medicine Cat at the time, Runningnose, couldn't find a cure. Our leader was dying and most of the Clan had lost all hope.

Myself and another warrior, Whitethroat, knew there was only one way for us, and maybe the entire Clan to survive; get help. From another Clan.

We decided to try ThunderClan, they had helped us in the past; maybe they would do it again.

Of course, we had no such luck.

"What are you doing in ThunderClan territory?" Fireheart had demanded.

"W-Whitethroat and I came h-hoping you would give us food and herbs," I stammered back.

And then I saw her.

Cinderpelt, was ThunderClan's Medicine Cat apprentice, her warrior life snatched from her when she got into an accident on the Thunderpath, I knew that much. I had gotten a few quick glances at her during gatherings, I had thought she was pretty, but I had not thought more about her than that, I had other things to worry about, and I had never noticed the sheer 

beauty of her. Maybe it was because at that particular time in my life that she was my last hope, or maybe I had always liked her, and I had just not acknowledge the fact until that moment. Whatever the reason, I liked her.

Cinderpelt tried to help us, "These cats are no threat to us, they are sick."

She limped forward to sniff my pad. I felt an electric shock go threw me when she touched me.

"His pad is warm," she mewed, "He has a fever."

Of course, as I said, it didn't quite work out the way I had hoped.

"No, Cinderpelt!" Yellowfang, Cinderpelt's mentor had screeched, "Get away from them!"

Yellowfang was once ShadowClan's Medicine Cat, she had seen the sickness before, and she didn't want her new Clan affected by it.

Bluestar was pretty much of the same thought, once Yellowfang has enlightened everyone.

"You are right, Yellowfang," Bluestar meowed, "These cats must leave, Fireheart, send them away."

Fireheart did 'send us away,' but that didn't stop Cinderpelt.

Cinderpelt had shown us a place where could stay while she nursed us. The gray she-cat warned us to keep quiet and not to venture out of the den we were in, until it was time to return to out Clan, with the cure I knew she would find. Her eyes shown as she talked to us about how she plans to cure us. Whitethroat was a bit skeptical; he had little faith in the young Medicine Cat.

When I got a little better, we would talk. Just talk. She was easy to speak to; she was the type of cat that really listened, though some cats might not see that side of her, because of her habit of being a ball of energy at the time. We talked about everything, our Clans, our families, our problems. Whitethroat usually didn't take part in these conversations; he was growing more, distracted by the second, wanting to just be alone, and to think.

I told her about my apprentice days, how I thought I never should have been a warrior, because Clawface told me I was weak. Of course, he said 

that to all the apprentices, but when you were barely old enough to leave you mother's side, let alone be an apprentice, you take it pretty hard.

She told me about how she had always dreamed of being a great warrior, and how devastating her accident was for her. Just hearing about the thing that had taken away Cinderpelt's future made me want to kill someone. But then again, if she hadn't damaged her leg, she would have never become a Medicine Cat, and he and Whitethroat would have most likely died.

One day, we were talking as we normally did; Cinderpelt had this look on her face, one that just screamed 'notice me'.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, not sure what the bouncy apprentice's reaction would be, if it was something big, she was unlikely to share it with a cat from another Clan, though we had already shared a lot about ourselves.

"You don't want to hear it," she said, her voice filled with stress and sadness.

"What makes you think that?" I replied, "I want to hear everything you say."

"That's sweet," she mumbled, her ears flicking backwards in embarrassment every so cutely, "Can I trust you?"

"Of course," I replied.

"Well," she began, nervously, as if she was still unsure about the decision she had already made, "You remember how I told you about my first mentor, Fireheart?"

"Yes."

"Well," she studied the ground, not making eye contact out of embarrassment, "He's been spending a lot of time with this warrior, Sandstorm."

She had told me that Fireheart, the ThunderClan deputy and her warrior mentor, was a cat that had really cared about her, and that she looked up to him as much as she looked up to Bluestar, and that she wanted to be important to the Clan like they were. She spoke about him with so much enthusiasm, her eyes getting that familiar sparkle, the one she got in her eyes when she really thought highly of something. Whenever she did that it made me feel as if nothing else in the world mattered except her happiness.

"And this makes you… jealous?" I replied, not sure if I concealed all of the bitterness in my voice.

She let out a frustrated sigh. "He likes _her, _she gets to be a _warrior, _she gets to be _important. _What do I get? A crippled leg, a calling I'm no good at, and I can't have a mate!"

Cinderpelt was right on the last point, sadly. In all my obsession over her, we couldn't be together. My mind failed to grasp that concept.

"But you're important to the Clan, you're their Medicine Cat!" I said, with feeling, "And you're a great Medicine Cat! Because of you, I'm here talking to you, and not in StarClan! Because of you, when I learn to make the mixture that cures this thing, my Clan _will _survive! How could you think you're not important?!"

"I guess you're right," she sighed. Her gaze shifted to me, our eyes met. "Pity I can't have a mate."

"Yeah," I said, not looking away from her beautiful eyes, "Pity."_ I'd be first in line. _I finished mentally.

--

Soon, Cinderpelt had done it. Both Whitethroat and I were cured. Fireheart had wanted us gone sooner, I can't say I blame him, I wouldn't want two sick enemy cats on _my _territory either, but Cinderpelt had held out, and come up with exactly the right combination of herbs that would cure the ShadowClan sickness. She had taught it both of us, though she wasted her efforts on Whitethroat, he had decided that ShadowClan was no longer the place for him, he was afraid of catching the sickness again. His body was found on the Thunderpath sometime later.

Whitethroat had already left. I was saying good-bye to Cinderpelt, something I had never really wanted to do.

I had thought about what I was going to say to her long before the time had come.

"Cinderpelt…" I began slowly, "I want to ask you something."

"Sure," she said, looking at her paws.

"I really like you Cinderpelt," I mumbled to my paws, my heart racing.

"I-" she said, looking up slowly, "I like you too, Littlecloud."

"And Fireheart?"

"I still like him too, be he'll never notice me."

"He doesn't know what he's missing," I said, meeting her eyes.

"Yeah…,"

"Will you see me, after my Clan is better?" I asked suddenly.

"Littlecloud," she said, her eyes full of regret and sadness, "I can't. I can't leave my Clan, they need me, you were right. Even if I wasn't a Medicine Cat, we're from different Clans… I'm sorry."

My heart sank. She was right though, we couldn't be together.

I sighed, "You're right; I can't except you to give up all that for me."

"I-" she said, "I really am, sorry."

"I know," I said, "I guess this is good-bye then?"

"Yeah, good-bye..."

"You know," I said suddenly, "We can still be friends, right?"

"Yeah," she said slowly, as if she were debating the idea in her head, "Friends."

"I really should go," I said, feeling the pain of being separated from her early.

"Yeah, I'll miss you," she said, backing away.

"Me too," I said, walking away from the only cat I had ever loved, and would ever love.

--

When I returned to ShadowClan, I was able to show Runningnose how to cure the sickness. He was quiet please with me. So pleased, that he asked me if I would like to become is apprentice.

I told him I would think about it, and I did. I knew that being a warrior wasn't the right path for me. I wanted to save lives, and to be important to the Clan, like Cinderpelt.

But it was also because of Cinderpelt that I didn't want to become a Medicine Cat.

Maybe there was the tiniest chance she would change her mind, and be with me.

But, maybe, if she could give up love for her Clan then I could too…

And I did.

And now, I wish I hadn't.

When we bumped into each other, I felt like I should be closer to her, share more than just the awkward friendship we shared. I wanted to be her mate.

It was several moons since I had accepted the position of Medicine Cat apprentice, I was gathering herbs along the border. ShadowClan had a new leader, one who Cinderpelt mistrusted deeply, and I can't say I blame her.

Tigerstar was not 'promised' from StarClan. That was obvious. He was more like a curse.

One day, I went over to the ThunderClan border to collect herbs. Cinderpelt was now sole Medicine Cat of ThunderClan, and we had talked little other than our guarded conversations on Moonstone trips. I still remember her eyes shining with all the wisdom of StarClan as she was made full Medicine Cat…

Though before that time she would go to collect herbs, and so would I…

We would talk. Just talk. That was my stupid, pathetic love life. Talking. I always wanted to be brave, and give it all up, for her, but I wasn't Graystripe, I was too afraid, and my Clan…

I was stressed, I had received several warnings from StarClan about Tigerstar, and so had my mentor, but he was our leader, and we were powerless. I hoped that maybe Cinderpelt would be there too.

I got lucky, she was.

She was beautiful as always, her fur glowing in the moonlight. She was the prettiest cat in the forest.

"Cinderpelt!" I cried happily, "You're here!"

"Hi, Littlecloud!" she said, running up to me and rubbing her chin on my head, purring, then realizing what she had done, stepped back, embarrassed.

"We shouldn't be here…," she said.

"I know," I said, my voice shaking.

"Littlecloud, I really-"

"Why shouldn't we be together?" I snapped, not bothering to conceal the hurt in my voice, "I love you."

I regretted the words as soon as I said them, not because I didn't mean them, but because I was afraid to act on them. I am not brave, I couldn't go back on my Clan, and I couldn't ask Cinderpelt to do the same for me.

"Littlecloud…," she said, "We can't, and I can't, our Clans… What if it ends badly? I couldn't save her! I couldn't! These things, they don't work! StarClan wants us to be Medicine Cats! Not… not… together," she finished with a sob.

I remembered comforting Cinderpelt one time, when she recalled how she couldn't save Silverstream, and how crushed Graystripe had been. She felt that she caused that, and she still beat herself up about it. As selfish as it was, I was glad that that wasn't her. That she and I had never… and I was glad that I got to have her around, even if it was at a price, she would never truly be mine.

"Do you still like him?" I asked suddenly.

"Fireheart you mean," she sniffed.

"Yeah."

"No."

I was shocked by her answer.

"He has Sandstorm. And, I love you," the last part came out in a whisper.

I loved her.

She loved me.

And we made the choice against it.

And I was wrong. She never forgot about me.

Time past, the threats of Tigerstar and BloodClan had come and gone, and now, we were in our new home around the lake. On the Great Journey, we had been together a lot, but even so, the conversations were those of friends. We watched as the kits of Firestar and Sandstorm lead us to our new home, and watched as love worked its magic on others.

I thought she had forgotten about our love, as pathetic as our relationship was, both of us too scared and unwilling to throw it all away for each other, the love was still there, I knew it was.

Moons later, when we were settled in, we were talking again…

"What's wrong?" I asked her, looking in her eyes, her beauty still as present at ever.

"Can I trust you?" she said, her expression serious.

I nodded.

"It's Leafpool," she said naming her apprentice, "I think she is seeing that WindClan cat. I don't want her to… like us… but Silverstream…" She sighed, trying to compose herself, "I won't be here forever, ThunderClan needs her."

"What do you mean?" I asked suddenly, "You're not _old!_ You're not _dying!" _I spat the last word like a curse. How dare StarClan take her away from me, StarClan and their stupid destinies! If it weren't for those, we would be together!

Or would we…

Cinderpelt looked at the ground. "Please don't tell anyone! StarClan, told me, in a dream…"

"No…" I cried. "NO! You can't leave me!" I cried to her, and the stars, "SHE'S GOT HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER! YOU HERE ME! MARK MY WORDS STARCLAN! YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER YET!"

"But I'll always be with you," she whispered, "I'll watch over you… from you know…,"

"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! THEY CAN'T TAKE YOU AWAY! YOUR CLAN NEEDS YOU! _I _NEED YOU!"

But she did, and they did.

Leafpool tells me she died saving her Clan, the Clan she so cared about.

I never got to tell her how much she meant to me. I never got to find out what would have happened if I hadn't been the cowardly idiot I had been. Would we have had kits? Would I have lost her anyway?

None of that matters now, Cinderpelt… she walks with StarClan.

Or does she…

I see Cinder_paw_, moons later at a gathering. Born the same night StarClan took her from me, to her brother, Brackenclaw.

I look and I know. She never really left me…

The ones we love never truly leave us…

Fin.

**I hope you like it! It's the longest one-shot I've ever written, but I think the couple deserves it! Check out my newly completed story, Four Clans, One Loyalty! Please R&R!**

**Patronus OUT!**


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